D.I.V.O.R.C.E. by Billy Connolly
Our little dog is six years old, and he's smart as any damn kid.
But when you mention the V.E.T. he damn near flips his lid.
Words like S.H.O.T. shot or W.O.R.M. worm,
These are words which make him S.Q.U.I.R.M. squirm.
His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E starts today,
Because he bit the V.E.T. and then he ran away.
He caused me and my wife to have a big fight, and then, both of them bit me.
And that's why I am gonnae get a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
She shouted 'get him Rover,' and he jumped over, and bit my L.E.G.
She sank her teeth in my B.U.M. and called me an effin' C.
Well I'm telling you, that was my cue, to get O.F.F.-ski
And I'm going down to the town tonight to get a new B.I.R.D.
Oh yes his Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E starts today.
Both my wife and my wee scabby dug will soon be hauled away.
That's why I spell out all these words, so as my dog can't hear.
Oh I must admit that dog is acting Q.U.E.R. queer.
Oh, I must admit that dog is acting Q.U.E.R. queer.