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USA Jokes and Quotes - Probably the funniest American Humour on the Internet

Disorder in the American Courts

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Which year?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
What gear..
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Memory loss..
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Son's age..
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: erm... Forty-five years.
Unfaithful husband..
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Voodoo..
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Describe..
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was wearing a shirt, and also trousers.
Appearance..
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
The Strangest Autopsy:
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check the pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check the blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Responses..
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

 

 

<< Now check out our 100 other jokes about the United States of America >>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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