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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 86

 

Birthday Party

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. 'Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday' Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

'Well' the guy says, 'I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18'

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say 'happy birthday, happy birthday!'

The bartender asks 'So which one died?'

'No one.'

'But you only ordered two drinks!'

'Yeah, well, I've given up drinking.'


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Goldilocks And The Three Bears

What steps do you take when a bear is chasing you?
Very big ones!


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Bigger brains

Why do men have bigger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.


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No bills larger than $20

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. 'No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.'

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, 'Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here.'


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Duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender 'if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck'. The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.

Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.

So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.

The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, 'Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?'

The man replies, 'Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out.'

 

 

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