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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 89

 

Police Man & drunker

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, 'I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.'

Just then Jessica said, 'I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.'

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, 'Sir your license has expired.'

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, 'I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.'

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, 'Jessica, shut your mouth!' pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. 'Does your husband always talk to you like that?'

Jessica replied, 'only when he's drunk.'



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Bar Sandwich

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

'Yes?' she enquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering', whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes' she purrs 'I am.'

The man replies 'Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!'


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Brand New Kittens

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box, kid?' The little boy says, 'Kittens, they're brand new kittens.' Al Gore laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they?' 'Democrats,' the child says. 'Oh, that's cute,' Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, 'You gotta check this out,' and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, 'Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.' The boy replies, 'They're Republicans.'

'Whoa!' Al says, 'I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?'

'Well,' the kid says, 'Their eyes are open now.'


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Stump Speech

Q: What do you call a talk by a pro-logging candidate?
A: A stump speech


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YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but your waiter may know!

This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

 

 

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