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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 94

 

My Husband

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.


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White house

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White house and said, 'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.'
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. 'Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, so I'm afraid you can't marry him.'
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, 'Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June.'
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. 'Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.' Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go her Mother and tell her. 'Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,' she complained. 'Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.'


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Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, 'Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?'

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, 'What you need is jar number 47.'

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, 'This is gross!' he yelled. 'Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,' said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. 'Doc,' he started, 'I can't remember anything!' Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, 'What you need is jar number 47, it's......'

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!


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WHO SPREADS SLOPS

The World Health Organization today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS). Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, Canada and Australia, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler suits. A WHO spokesman said, 'You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Taiwan or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns.'

The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do.

To contain the spread of SLOPS, anyone who appears to be exhibiting symptoms of SLOPS should be placed under house arrest with no access to TV, internet or newspapers until they regain their sanity.


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Gorillas

Why did God create man?
He couldn't teach gorillas how to mow the lawn.

 

 

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