Random Jokes - 66
What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains?
Pull yourself together man!
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A true story…
In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored the bill, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and
returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had
caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that
his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking but convince them he did and they subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
 Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.
 Pay the claimant's court costs; and
 Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
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Clinton visits Pearly Gates
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. 'Who goes there?' inquired St. Peter.
'It's me, Bill Clinton'.
'What bad things did you do on Earth?'
Clinton thought a bit and answered, 'Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.'
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, 'OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.'
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Mother Complained Doctor
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits .' All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'
'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine!'
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Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.'
'Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.'
'Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it'
'Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.'
'Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.'
'Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.'
'When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.'
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.'
'Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.'
'Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.'
'From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.'
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.'
'Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?'
'When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.'
'No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.'