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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 70


People to have arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, father, what causes arthritis?'

'Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.'

'Well I'll be.' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?'

'I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

= = = = = = = = = =

Job Benefits

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, 'My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.'

'I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits,'
the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, 'The company went bankrupt.'

= = = = = = = = = =

New policy that will change America

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to 'save' America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, 'Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we'll think about it.'

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night's work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, 'Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here's the deal. I'm giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won't pass it.'

'But what if I get a 12?' Bill asks. And Bob replies, 'You get to roll again'.

= = = = = = = = = =

Lacking Intelligence?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

= = = = = = = = = =

Greetings Ivan

If you mean that I don't post many news stories about war you're right, I don't. In '1984' Julia's opinion of war is mine exactly:

'She regarded the whole war as a sham...The issue struck her as unimportant. 'Who cares?' she said impatiently. 'It's always one bloody war after another, and one knows the news is all lies anyway'.'

Also in '1984' Orwell tells us that:

'The entire war is spurious and is either not happening or is being waged for purposes quite other than the declared ones'.

If I were to post updates on the day-to-day wars that are going on all over the world - perpetrated by one, two or all three of the super-states and/or the United Nations - against innocent, defenseless nations, I wouldn't have time for anything else.

However, this website by no means ignores war. If you read it more carefully you'll see that under the theme 12.Ministry of Peace there are many stories about war. Also you may want to go to my section entitled UNCLE SAMUEL WANTS YOU!.

If I had been alive (and knew then what I know now) during WWI and WWII I would have been an isolationist like Henry Ford and Joseph Kennedy and Charles Lindberg and George Orwell etc etc. All of them have been villified in the ensuing years but they, among many others, were not fools (obviously) and weren't fooled by all the hate-talk wherein:

'The proles, normally apathetic about the war, were being lashed into one of their periodical frenzies of patriotism'.

Personally I am very well-read on the history of War and have many shelves of books on wars past, present and future. I know that the so-called War on Terror is, to again quote Orwell:

'being waged by each ruling group against its own subjects'.

Also I like how Jonathan Swift describes war and have it posted on the site at: GULLIVER DESCRIBES BOMBS & WAR

He says: 'Some evil genius, enemy to mankind, must have been the first contriver' and 'A soldier is a Yahoo hired to kill in cold blood as many of his own species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can.'

You may have noticed also that on my site I don't talk much about politicians, except to quote them once in awhile. That's because in the pyramidal structure described by Orwell a politician is on the same level as a bureaucrat, ie in the Outer Party, a third level down from Big Brother and below the Inner Party, made up of corporate heads and other elites.

But once in awhile I'll mention a politician and your query about war inspires me to tell you my war joke which sums up the mentality of most politicians, in this case the highest ranking one of the world's so-called greatest super-power and leader of the so-called free world:

Here goes:

Q. 'Why did Bush go to war against Iraq?'

A. 'Because he couldn't spell Afghanistan'.

I hope that helps set the record straight regarding this website's attitude toward war. And if Bush, Kerry, Blair, Putin, Mao or whoever is so hot-to-trot on war then they should all put on a uniform and head to the front-line. And so too should every other politician and corporate head thumping the war drum.

All the best,
~ Jackie Jura



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