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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 98

 

Doctor Complaining of Pain

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
'Where are you hurting?' asked the doctor.
'You have to help me, I hurt all over', said the woman.
'What do you mean, all over?' asked the doctor, 'be a little more specific.'
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Owe, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe, 'Ouch, even THAT hurts', she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; 'You have a broken finger.'




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Big Eyes


Fairy Tale Jokes



Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,'
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

'My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,' says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
'My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,' taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
'Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!'


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President meets some voters

President Clinton is shaking hands with the voters after being elected for the second time.

'Pleased to meet you,' says one old man, 'I've heard a lot about you in the past few years.'

Clinton laughs: 'You can't prove any of it!'


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The Pope and Dopey

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

'Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'.

'No Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not'.

'Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?', Dopey questions.

'No Dopey,' chuckles the Pope, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'

'Mr. Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

'No Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,

'Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin.'


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COWS - AN UPDATED VERSION

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage, which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull.

 

 

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