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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 99


The Brunette and the Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, 'You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much.'

The woman says, 'Okay. Give me a nice house.'

The genie replies, 'You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two.'

Then the lady says, 'Give me a gorgeous man.'

The genie replies, 'You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two.'

The lady says, 'For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.'

= = = = = = = = = =

Four Letter Surgery

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her 'suffering.'

'Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.'

'My goodness!' the woman exclaimed, 'it sounds like leasing a new sports car!'

'Humm,' the doctor murmured, 'too obvious, huh?'

= = = = = = = = = =

Children Politics Fairy Tales

'Daddy,' a little girl asked her father, 'do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? '

'No, sweetheart,' he answered. 'Some begin with 'If I am elected.''

= = = = = = = = = =

Doctor, doctor

octor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
When did it happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?
Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

= = = = = = = = = =

What Time Bar Opens

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. 'It opens at noon,' answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. 'What time does the bar open?' he asks. 'Same time as before... Noon.' replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered 'When joo shay the bar opins at?' The clerk then answers, 'It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.' 'No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!'



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