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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 57



President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
'Our largest condom factory has exploded!' the Russian President cried; 'My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!'

'Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.', replied the President.

'I do need your help,' said Putin. 'Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?'

'Why certainly! I'll get right on it!', said Bush.

'Oh, and one more small favour, please?', said Putin.

'Yes?', replied the President.

'Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?' said Yeltsin.

'No problem,' replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. 'I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.'

'Consider it done,' said the President of Trojan.

'Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10' long and 4' wide.'

'Easily done. Anything else?'

'Yeah,' said the President, 'Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.'

= = = = = = = = = =

Bush VS Clinton

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, 'Little boy, what are you doing?'

The boy replied, 'I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister.'

Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, 'Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?'

The boy answered, 'Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton.'

'But why not?' asked the man.

The boy replied 'Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make Bill Clinton.'

= = = = = = = = = =

Trying to be helpful

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk 'do you live here?' 'Yep'. 'Would you like me to help you upstairs?' 'Yep'. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked 'Is this your floor?' 'Yep'.

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk 'Do you live here?' 'Yep'. 'Would you like me to help you upstairs?' 'Yep'. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried 'Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!'

= = = = = = = = = =

May Day parade

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. 'Who are they?' he asked.

'Ah,' said Yeltsin, 'those are our economists!'

'But I thought this parade was military...' said Clinton, confused.

'Mr. Clinton,' said Gorbachev, 'have you SEEN the damage those men can do?'

= = = = = = = = = =


When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on

'Well Frank,' said the doctor, 'It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is.'



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