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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 59

 

MONSTER VACCINE NEEDED

Our modern world's predilection for paranoia -- not Mad Cow disease -- will be the death of Alberta's cattle industry.

The anxiety virus -- not SARS -- is putting Canada's travel industry into intensive care.

More children will be made deathly sick by their own parents, who will literally dip them in toxic chemicals this summer, attempting to ward off mosquitoes they believe are surely bearing West Nile virus.

Society's latest disease is fear of everything. It's only a matter of time before someone demands the government research a vaccine for Monsters Under the Bed.


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PLANTING POTATOES

An old Arab man who lived in Idaho wanted to plant potatoes in his garden, but plowing the soil was a great deal of work for him.

His only son was studying in France.

The old man sends his son an e-mail telling him about his problem;

'Dear Ali,
I feel sad because this year I won't be able to plant potatoes in my garden. I'm too old to work the soil. If you were here, all my problems would be solved. I know you would remove the soil for me.
Love you,
Dad.'

A few days later, the old man receives an e-mail from his son:

'Dear father:
Whatever you do don't plow up the soil in the garden, that's were I hid you know what.
Love you
Ali.'

Next day at 4 am, the police, FBI and the CIA knocks at the old man's door. They go and check the garden for chemical materials to build bombs, massive destruction weapons, mustard gas, anthrax, SARS viruses, etc. They don't find anything and leave.

The same day the old man receives another e-mail from his son:

'Dear dad:
I'm sure by now you can plant your potatoes, that's the best I can do from this far away.
Love you,


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Man and childbirth

What's the difference between a man and childbirth?
One is an excruciating, painful, unbearable experience; the other is
just having a baby.



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Vot On This

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.

Bill says: 'Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver.' They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.


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The Procrastinator's Creed

The Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

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