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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 76

 

PUPPY TRADER

Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy 'What kind of puppies are they?'

The boy replies, 'They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am.' With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, 'What kind of puppies are they?'

The boy replies, 'They're Republican puppies, Sir.'

'Republican puppies?' Bill asked. 'Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies.'

The boy replied, 'I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes.'


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THE LEGEND OF ST GEORGE & THE DRAGON

he most famous legend of Saint George is of him slaying a dragon. In the Middle Ages the dragon was commonly used to represent the Devil. The slaying of the dragon by St George was first credited to him in the twelfth century, long after his death. It is therefore likely that the many stories connected with St George's name are fictitious.

There are many versions of story of St George slaying the dragon, but most agree on the following:

1. A town was terrorised by a dragon.
2. A young princess was offered to the dragon
3. When George heard about this he rode into the village
4. George slayed the dragon and rescued the princess



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How to succeed in business

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.

'Hi,' you should say. 'I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?'

If they answer 'long-range planner' or 'lieutenant governor,' you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs,
however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,

2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, 'Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!'
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.

The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their 'agenda'. At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, 'Night of the Living Dead,' you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of
managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for
83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way 'Show and Tell' does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, 'Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.' You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is.

Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies,
then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a
question mark, like this: 'Norm?'

Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your 'input' on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you
anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, 'You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope.'


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Good News and Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: 'I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?'

Patient: 'Well, let me have the bad news first.'

Doctor: 'You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.'

Patient: 'Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?'

Doctor: 'You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.'


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Man from drowning

Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head

 

 

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