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Random selection of jokes - Probably the funniest random jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 78


Bill not paid

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, 'We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one.'

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, 'Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.'

= = = = = = = = = =

You look terrible

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, 'You look terrible. What's the problem?'

'My mother died in August,' he said, 'and left me $25,000.'

'Gee, that's tough,' he replied.

'Then in September,' the friend continued, 'My father died, leaving me $90,000.'

'Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'

'And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.'

'Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.'

'Then this month,' continued, the friend, 'absolutely nothing!'

= = = = = = = = = =

Aliens are Sneaky

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.

The drunk guy just ignores him.

After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.

He notices that the alien has no genitalia.

He then asks 'You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?'

The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

= = = = = = = = = =

Against the Lawyers

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, 'Gimme a beer', takes a slug, and shouts out, 'All lawyers are assholes!'
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, 'You take that back!'

The angry man snarls, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?'

The guy replies, 'No, I'm an asshole!'

= = = = = = = = = =

Arrives at the local bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

'You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!'

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

'How do you know this, Sister?'

'My Mother Superior told me so.'

'But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?'

'Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself'

'Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life'

'How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!'

'I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.'

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

'Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks', then he lowers his voice and says to the barman 'and could you put the vodka in a teacup?'

'Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?'



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