Random Jokes - 1
One day a guy was driving home from work urging for baked beans.After so long he finally went into a nearby restaurant and ate 5 servings of beans.He drove home and his wife told him she had a surprise for him,so she blindfolded him.Just then the phone rang and the wife went to get it but said whatever you do, dont peek and sat him at the dining room table.The guy noticed the beans satrted to have an affect.He lifted up his leg and let out a big one.He kept farting and finally the wife got off the phoine.She walked into the dining room and said .....whats that smell?.......It was time for his surprise so the wife took off his blind fold and there were guests all around the table for his birthday.
For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.
eudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most 'ability' and who has the most 'need'. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the 'free' market.
Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Anarchy-Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Olympics-ism: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really having an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is this winter to be cold?'
The man on the phone responded, 'This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.'
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes', the man replied, 'itís going to be a very cold winter.'
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replies, 'the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!'
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging
at him, and he couldn't move.
'Oh, Lord,' the preacher prayed, 'I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!'
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:
'Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...'