Random Jokes - 11
An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
'Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......'
'I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.'
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, 'Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'
Now what the heck would you say?'
I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.' I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... So far today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 9 beers. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good
- If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
- And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
- In loving you lie about the one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
- If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing
This lady in N.Y. City use to go to a corner store that sells ducks and she was known to go there to by a Long Island duck at all times, one day she did her usual routine and stop at that corner store to by a Long Island duck, she noticed a new owner operating the store so she asked him for a Long Island duck, the man went to the back and grab a duck and give it to her, she took the duck, put's her finger in the ducks ass and says, excuse me sir but I asked for a Long Island duck and this is a new jersey duck, so the man looked at her, went to the back and grab another duck, gives it to her and again she put's her finger in the duck's ass and says, excuse me again sir but I've told you that I want a Long Island duck and this is a New York duck, the man looked at her angry, goes to the back and grabs another one and gives it to her, she did the inspection again and said, sir, finally you got it right, this is a long Island duck! By the way sir you look new here, where you from? The man still angry from her attitude looks at her, turns around, put's he's pants down and says, listen lady if you're smart, check my asshole.
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.'
'What do you want me to do?' asked the sheriff.
'I don't care, just do something about those drivers.'
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, 'You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster.'
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, 'Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?'
The sheriff told him, 'Sure thing, put up your own sign.'
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. 'How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?'
'Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy.'
And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, 'I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign...
There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers...'
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: