Random Jokes - 12
'Butter is a creamy spread, while this crap is more like a space-age polymer.' A spokesperson from Lilton Foods, responded by saying, 'Well, I know *I* can't believe it's not butter.' This is not the first time Storch has made a public food-related statement. In 1994, he held a press conference to announce he thought everything wasn't, in fact, 'better with Blue Bonnet on it,' and even demonstrated using food items such as ice cream, Jell-O, and what appeared to be a large squid.
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, 'Meatloaf' or 'Pot Roast' or 'Steak and Vegetables or
'Chicken and Dumplings' or 'Beef Pot Pie.'
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: 'Whatever,' 'Anything,' 'I Don't Know,' 'I Don't Care,' 'Something Good,' or 'Food.' My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your 'shake' back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, 'I'm thankful I didn't get caught' and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, 'See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.'
Enclosed is your 2001/2002 United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR 'Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals.' You may use this form to estimate your 2001 fiscal year tax if:
You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)
Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903
You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a 'foreign' tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign 'tax' credit, except where a foreign 'tax credit' is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed but not filing; other.
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy 'Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan,' which means that even if she never gets re-elected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.
If Bill out-lives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary out-lives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.
Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's
salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff - and, this is all perfectly legal!
The joke is on us!