Random Jokes - 14
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus.'
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
'Son' he said, 'I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?'
The boy responded, 'Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.'
'What was that?' the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, 'Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.'
'Look,' said the old man, 'I can't understand a word you're saying.'
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... 'You have to keep the worms warm!'
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer;
'I need to inspect your farm.'
The old farmer said: 'OK, but you better not go in that field.'
In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, 'I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?'
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face.
'This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land.'
The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence.
Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.
Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Ag Rep with every angry snort.
The farmer shouted, 'Show him your card !'
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.
Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, 'Let there be light.'
Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.
The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light 'Day' and the darkness 'Night.' Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.
God said, 'Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.'
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, 'Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.'
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....
At this point, God created Hell.
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said 'This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back.'
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked 'What are you doing?'
The second blonde replied 'Marking the spot.'
'Don't be stupid' the first blonde said. 'What if we don't get the same boat next time?'