Random Jokes - 15
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake'
Noticing that his son was studying while watching TV and listening to music, a father said to his son, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.'
The son replied, 'When Lincoln was your age, he was President.'
Three cooks, one from Kentucky, one from California and one from Oregon were sitting on a park bench passing the time. Suddenly, the cook from Kentucky reaches under the bench and drags out a new bottle of bourbon, takes a big swig, tosses the bottle into the air and shoots it with a pistol.
'What did you do that for?' asks the cook from California.
'We got lots of bourbon in Kentucky' was the reply.
Next the cook from California takes out a bottle of fine wine, takes a huge swig, throws the bottle into the air and shoots it with a pistol.
'What did you do that for?' asks the cook from Oregon.
'We got lots of wine in California' was the reply.
The cook from Oregon takes out a bottle of Henry's Private Reserve beer, takes a humongous swig and shoots the cook from California.
'What did you do that for?' asks the cook from Kentucky.
'We got lots of Californians in Oregon' was the reply.
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Creative Tax Payments
Enclosed is my tax return & payment for this year’s taxes.
Please take note of the attached article from the newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw.' (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): 'Morny. Ruin sorbees'
Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service'
RS: 'Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??'
G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs'
RS: 'Ow July den?'
RS: 'Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?'
G: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.'
RS: 'Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?'
G: 'Crisp will be fine.'
RS : 'Hokay. An San tos?'
RS:'San tos. July San tos?'
G: 'I don't think so'
RS: 'No? Judo one toes??'
G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means.'
RS: 'Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?'
G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'
RS: 'We bother?'
G: 'No..just put the bother on the side.'
G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'
G: 'Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.'
RS: 'One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??'
G: 'Whatever you say'
G: 'You're welcome'