Random Jokes - 17
A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.' 'This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house topick my things up. Oh Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas! like I asked you to do?' The wife replies; 'I did, they were in your tackle box.'
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. That's what I like to see, said the priest, A man helping his fellow man. As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing.
Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff reported to prison today for his six-year term for bribing members of Congress. Here is the ironic part -- on his first day in prison, he ran into more congressmen than he did when he was on Capitol Hill.' --Jay Leno
'Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff entered federal prison today to start a six-year sentence for fraud. Here's the beautiful thing about Jack Abramoff -- the FBI did not want Jack Abramoff sent to jail because he was telling them so much about corrupt officials. They don't want him to go to prison away from DC because they don't want to commute every day to hear about more stories of corruption. That's America, baby.' --Jon Stewart
'Lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff said he is good friends with indicted Congressman Tom DeLay, and sometimes they sit down and they discuss the Bible together. Apparently they didn't discuss the 'Thou shalt not steal' commandment. Apparently they never got that far.' --Jay Leno
'Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached.' --Jay Leno
Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book with his dog, from the dog's point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?' --Jay Leno
'And now the Abramoff guy. You know, the lobbyist involved in the corruption scandal? They're now saying he's completely out of money. Tapped out. In fact, they're making a movie about him called 'Broke Ass Mountain.'' --Jay Leno
'A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese.' --Conan O'Brien
'Because of the Jack Abramoff and Duke Cunningham bribery scandals, Republicans in Congress are now putting together what they are calling a sweeping lobbying reform package. They think it's such a good idea that they're going to charge companies a million dollars to sponsor it.' --Jay Leno
'This Jack Abramoff guy allegedly bribed congressmen on issues ranging from wireless phone service to internet gambling. This guy was really up to date on technology. In fact, before he was indicted, he had a deal going with the home shopping network for people to be able to buy a congressman online.' --Jay Leno
'In Washington, the Justice Department was evacuated because of a suspicious package. It was okay, it just turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff.' --David Letterman
'Because of the Jack Abramoff scandal, congressmen are actually returning illegal gifts. I called the weather bureau, and sure enough, hell has frozen over.'
A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: 'Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family...'
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!
'Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!' he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
'But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?' she inquires. 'No,' the husband says, 'Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,
I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!