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A random selection of hilarious jokes from our website - Probably the funniest jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 2


Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.

A fire started on some grassland near a small farm. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions.

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

'That should be obvious,' he responded, 'the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.'

Fella goes into his favorite deli where the waiter immediately brings him a bowl of matzoh ball soup. The customer signals the waiter to come back.

'Taste the soup!' he commands.

'Why?' inquires the surprised waiter.

'Taste the soup!' comes the reply.

'Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything wrong with the soup.'

'Taste the soup!'

'What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?'

'Taste the soup!'

'What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?'


The waiter finally agrees, 'All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?'

'A-HA!' chortles Max.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dana who?
Dana talk with your mouth full!

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that he began his mission to find the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well' said the man, 'She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

The man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. 'Well,' the man replied, 'She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

The morning after the man dated the third daughter, the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!'

They were married right away. Months later, the had a baby. When the man visited nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant, when you met her.



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