Random Jokes - 22
I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.' I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... So far today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 9 beers. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, 'Oh God! Save me!'
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, 'You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?'
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, 'Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?'
The Lord replies, 'As you wish,' and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, 'Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive...'
Jokes Home : Farmer : Trial
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
'I know a great trial lawyer,' the fellow said, 'but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer,' he continued, 'who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury.'
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
'I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind,' he said, 'and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker.'
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, 'You know, a good sheep will do that.'
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. 'May I take your order, sir?' he asked.
'Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens.' The man replied.
'Oh, it's nothing too special, sir,' the waiter confided. 'We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!