Random Jokes - 24
An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to retire, and, since he had grown tired of tractors, he decided to sell off his massive collection. So he put advertisements in local and national papers and waited.
He didn't have long to wait. A few days later, he received a letter from a businessman whose company had built many of the tractors mentioned in the ad and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer'slocal tavern.
The businessman arrived on the appointed date and went into the tavern. He soon located the farmer, despite the very heavy clouds of pipe smoke in the air. An hour passed in most pleasant conversation, as the pair turned out to have much in common.
'Well,' sighed the farmer eventually, 'I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?'
'Sure,' replied the businessman, 'but maybe we could go somewhere else. I find it very hard to concentrate with this much smoke in the air.'
'There's no need for that,' said the farmer, 'watch this.'
He proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
'Hey, how did you manage that?' gasped the businessman.
'Oh, it was nothing,' replied the farmer. 'You see now I'm an ex-tractor fan.'
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, 'May I help you?'
Farmer: 'Yeah, I want one those dayvorce's.'
Attorney: 'Well do you have any grounds?'
Farmer: 'Yea, I got about 140 acres.'
Attorney: 'No you don't understand, do you have a case?'
Farmer: 'No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.'
Attorney: 'No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge.'
Farmer: 'Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere.'
Attorney: 'No, no, do you have a suit?'
Farmer: 'Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays.'
Attorney: 'Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?'
Farmer: 'No sire, we both get up about 4:30.'
Attorney: 'Well is she a nagger or anything?'
Farmer: 'No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!'
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, 'What've you got in your truck?'
'Fertilizer,' the farmer replied.
'What are you going to do with it?' asked the little boy.
'Put it on strawberries,' answered the farmer.
'You ought to live here,' the little boy advised him. 'We put sugar and cream on ours.'
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and
is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Bud says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing...'
'Have you farted yet?'
'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!'
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. 'I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato,' said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
'No,' said the farmer, 'I get a dime for a tomato like that one.'
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, 'Will you take two pennies for that one?'
'Yes,' replied the farmer, 'I'll give you that one for two cents.'
'OK,' said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, 'I'll pick it up in about a week.'