Random Jokes - 25
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said,'Someone may steal from it at night.' So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said,'How does the watchman do his job without instruction?' So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said,'How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?' So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said,'How are these people going to get paid?' So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said,'Who will be accountable for all of these people?' So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said,'We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.' So they laid off the night watchman.
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
*You sleep with your eyes open
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward
*You lick your coffee pot clean
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
*You can jump-start your car without cables
*Your only sources of nutrition comes from 'Sweet & Low'
*You don't sweat, you percolate
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
*You've worn the finish off you coffee table
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house
*You're so wired you pick up FM radio
*Your life's goal is to 'amount to a hill of beans'
*Instant coffee takes too long
*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
*You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.
However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed everyone over the intercom: 'Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers.'
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, 'Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!' The sister said, 'Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.'
The man said, 'But that's the species of the fish - a Gauddam Fish.' The sister said, 'Oh, okay.'
The Sister took the fish back home and said, 'Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.' Shocked, the Mother Superior said, 'Sister, you know better than that.'
The nun said, 'That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish.' So, the Mother Superior said, 'Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.'
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, 'Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.' Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, 'Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!'
Mother Superior said, 'But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish.' Monsignor said, 'Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.'
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, 'Wow, what a nice fish.' In reply, the sister said, 'Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.' And Mother Superior said, 'I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.' And Monsignor said, 'I cooked the Gauddam Fish.'
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, 'I think I'm going to like this f%$@# ing place!'
A father from Europe is visiting his son in America for the very first time. They are at the local supermarket going up and down the aisles.
Dad: 'Vas diss, powdered orange juice?'
Son: 'Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh orange juice!'
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: 'Und vas dis, powdered milk?'
Son: 'Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh milk!'
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: 'Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! Dey take da fun outta everyting!'