Random Jokes - 26
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
'Now see here,' the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. 'Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the waiter, 'yesterday you were sitting by the window.'
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, 'I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.'
'Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own,' he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
'We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,' he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, 'Separate checks, please...'
A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign. As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.
'You idiot!' he yelled. 'Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!'
The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. 'Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up,' he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. 'Here, why don't you take a slug of this whiskey. It'll help you calm down.'
After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.
'Don't you want any yourself?' asked the lawyer.
'Not just yet,' answered the farmer. 'I'll wait until after the police leave.'
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: 'Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.'
In a short time he received the following reply: 'Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.'
n avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, 'Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?'