Random Jokes - 30
aturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary.' --Bill Maher
'It turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'' He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing.' --Jimmy Kimmel
'The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence.' --Bill Maher
'The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass.' --Bill Maher
'Some good news for Sarah Palin: she has been cleared in that Troopergate scandal. You know who cleared her? Sarah Palin. Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this Troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer.' --Jay Leno
'Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house.' --David Letterman
'In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions.' --Jay Leno
'During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions.' --Jay Leno
'Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that.' --Jay Leno
'During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!' --David Letterman
'She kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That's because her answers make more sense after six beers.' --David Letterman
'Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by sahing she's really troubled by John McCain's choice for vice president.' ?Conan O'Brien
'Sarah Palin right now is training for tomorrow night's vice presidential debate in Arizona. And she says it has really helped her on foreign policy, because from Arizona she can see Mexico.' --David Letterman
'Palin's people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, flush him into an open area, and then take a go for a clean shot through the lungs. You don't want to mess up the head -- that's the trophy.' --Jimmy Kimmel
'Meanwhile the big question that I don't know if anyone has asked yet -- while Sarah Palin's yammering it up with Joe Biden in St. Louis, who's keeping an eye on the Russians? What happens if Putin decides to rear his head?' --Jimmy Kimmel
'Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the 'CBS Evening News'? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn't read. And then I thought, well, hell it's worked pretty good for George Bush.' --David Letterman
'Even though Governor Palin is not expected to do particularly well in tomorrow night's debate, she is favored heavily in Friday night's swimsuit competition.' --Jimmy Kimmel
'Sarah Palin, she's getting ready for tomorrow's debate. I understand she now knows all three branches of government.' --Jay Leno
'Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey.' --Jay Leno
'I don't know if Palin is ready. You know you're in trouble, debating like this, you know you're in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle did.' --David Letterman
'We have the big vice presidential debate coming up on Thursday, and Sarah Palin is busy preparing. Right now, for example, she is practicing her caribou-caught-in-the-lights look.' --David Letterman
'Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it's not going that well because she keeps saying, 'I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.'' --David Letterman
'Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on.' --Jay Leno
'Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric last week, and they're saying she was halting, repetitive and stumped on basic questions. Yeah, in other words, Palin appeared very presidential.' --Conan O'Brien
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasn't happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and....that night he drowned in his teapee!
'How did it happen?' the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
'Well, doc, 25 years ago...'
'Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.'
'Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, 'No, everything is fine.'
'Are you sure?' she asked.
'I'm sure,' I said.
'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know.
'I reckon not,' I replied.
'Excuse me,' said the doctor, 'What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?'
'Well, this morning,' the farmhand explained, 'when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!'
One night Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis. Immediately he went to the doctor. After the doctor's exam, he said, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal.'