Random Jokes - 31
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're orderinga la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'I'll take the special.'
'How do you want your eggs?'
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
Salome and cheese!
A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.
The old man replied 'Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit.'
The young man said 'Your lying. I can't believe that.'
Then the old man said 'I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern.'
A motorist was being bogged down in a muddy road, and had to pay a farmer a hundred pounds to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer: 'With these prices, you should be pulling people out of the mud night and day!'.
'I can't', replied the farmer, 'At night I put water in the hole'.
'Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.' --on John McCain's attacks, Raleigh, North Carolina, Oct. 29, 2008
'But I have to say tonight's venue isn't really what I'm used to. I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium, and can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?' --at the Al Smith Dinner