Random Jokes - 33
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw.' (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, 'What've you got in your truck?'
'Fertilizer,' the farmer replied.
'What are you going to do with it?' asked the little boy.
'Put it on strawberries,' answered the farmer.
'You ought to live here,' the little boy advised him. 'We put sugar and cream on ours.'
Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Q. What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
TRIVIA: The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, 'Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'
'Why do you want me to throw them at you?'
'Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.'
'Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.'
'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.'
One morning, before the farmer went out to the field, he said, 'Honey, the artificial insemination man is coming over this morning to impregnate one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the stall. Please show him where it is.'
When the man arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the man remarked, 'Are you sure?'
'Yep, it's the one with the nail,' said Nancy.
'What's the nail for?' inquired the man.
'Well, I guess it's there to hang your pants on.'
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.
Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, 'Let there be light.'
Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.
The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light 'Day' and the darkness 'Night.' Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.
God said, 'Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.'
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, 'Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.'
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....
At this point, God created Hell.