Random Jokes - 37
Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
'Give me your money!' he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, 'You canít do this. Iím a United States Congressman!'
'In that case,' replied the robber, 'give me my money!'
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken as given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. 'Who's the boss around here?' he asked.
'I am.' said the man.
'I have a black horse and a brown horse,' the farmer said, 'which one would you like?'
The man thought for a minute and said, 'The black one.'
'No, no, no, get the brown one.' the man's wife said.
'Here's your chicken.' said the farmer.
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
'I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today.' the caller said.
'Are you light-headed?' my colleague asked.
'No,' the caller answered, 'I'm a brunette.'
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. 'Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?' he asked.
'Well, I think I do.' she replied. 'I've been divorced three times.'