Random Jokes - 39
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, 'Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?'
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, 'Naw, these are soybeans.'
'You don't understand,' said the preacher. 'Are you a Christian?'
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, 'Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.'
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, 'Are you lost?'
'Naw! I've lived here all my life,' answered the farmer.
'Are you prepared for the resurrection?' the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, 'When's it gonna be?'
Thinking he had accomplished something the young Preacher replied, 'It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!'
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, 'Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days!'
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, 'Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?'
The other guy says, 'Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!'
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, 'If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper
This guy was the most boring - and not too honest - when it came to fishing, and he had all of the other fisherman tired of his boasting about his fishing skills. But one day, a fellow from Texas moved into the territory, and after listening to all the guy's bragging, the Texan had an ace up his sleeve; he admitted that the biggest fish he had ever caught measured only 8 inches ... but he hastened to add ... that was the dis-tance between the eyes!
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, 'How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?'
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, 'I'M DROWNING, YOU STUPID'.