Random Jokes - 41
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
'Pa, the chickens got loose,' the boy confessed sadly, 'but I managed to find all twelve of them.'
'Well, you did real good, son,' the farmer beamed. 'You left with seven.'
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
'The cupcakes look delicious, Mike.' his uncle said. He took a bite and said, 'Mikey these are so good.'
As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. 'The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,' his uncle said. 'How did you get the icing so neat?'
His nephew replied, 'It was easy. I just licked them.'
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. 'You licked all of these?'
Mikey replied, 'Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help.'
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
'This will look nice on my mantelpiece,' he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
'I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean.'
He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.
After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.
'I wish to be waited on hand and foot by beautiful women.'
A crowd of gorgeous women flock to him, attending his every need.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: 'I wish to never have to work ever again.'
He’s back in his government office.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'
And Man said, 'Super size them.' And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, 'Try my crispy fresh salad.'
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, 'I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.'
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, 'You're running up the score, Devil.'
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, 'It is good.'
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, 'What on earth is that all about?'
The farmer says, 'We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.'
'Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?'
The farmer replied, 'There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.'