Random Jokes - 43
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, 'How does the watchman do his job without instruction?'
So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12, and one person to do time studies, GS-11.
Then Congress said, 'How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?'
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, 'How are these people going to get paid?'
So they created the following positions: a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.
Then Congress said, 'Who will be accountable for all of these people?'
So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, 'We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.'
So they laid off the night watchman.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, Pick four large ones outand throw them at me, will you? Why do you want me to throw them at you? Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them. Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy. But why? Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.
Two buddies were walking down the warf one day.Jack asked Joe what is 99+347.Well Joe said,thats easy boy,thats 446.Joe boy your getting some smart Jack said.Well Jack I been eating smart pills.You got anymore Joe.Yes I got More.So then Joe puts his hand down the ass of his pants and takes one out and gives it to jack.Then Jacks says my Joe,this tastes like shit.Joe says well Jack,your getting smarter already.
Here's a recipe to make Mom's famous brownies!
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr 'no, no.'
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.
Take the %$$&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, 'I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.'
The girl behind the counter replied, 'I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate.'
'In that case,' the man continued, 'I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream.'
'You don't understand, sir,' the girl says. 'We have no chocolate.'
'Then just give me some chocolate,' he insists.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, 'Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?''
The man spells, 'V A N.'
'Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.''
'Now,' the girl asked, 'spell 'stink,' as in chocolate.'
The man hesitates, then confused, replied, 'There is no stink in chocolate.'
'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' she screams.