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A random selection of hilarious jokes from our website - Probably the funniest jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 45

 





A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. 'Do you recall,' he asked pleasantly, 'how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?'

'I'm very sorry sir...' began the contrite headwaiter.

'Oh, it's quite all right.' said the guest, 'but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again...'

Rat



A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. 'Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.'

The farmer was dubious. 'Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you.'

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. 'Son,' he said, 'Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?'

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, 'For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!'



I've got a crocodile named Ginger.'
'Does Ginger bite?'
'No, but ginger snaps'



The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However,one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but every one's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?

Retrieved from 'http://www.jestersring.ca/j/Blonde_Civics'




Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: ' You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.' Second guy: ' that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.' Third guy: ' Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.' They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. ' What's the deal?' Fourth guy: ' I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ' Fishing or Sex' and she said, ' Wear a Sweater.'

 

 

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