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A random selection of hilarious jokes from our website - Probably the funniest jokes on the Internet

Random Jokes - 46

 





A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation, and he puts up a sign that reads: 'WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!'

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten,
but finds another sign that reads: 'NOW THERE ARE TWO!'



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'Observers say that Alito makes them miss the hyper-charged sexual electricity of a Ruth Bader Ginsburg.' --Conan O'Brien

'During Sen. Graham's apology, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, Alito's wife, was so overcome with emotion she broke down in tears and left the hearing. To get an abortion.' --Tina Fey

'They asked Alito a lot of questions, to see if he's in touch with the average American. What is the price of a loaf of bread? How much is a gallon of milk? What is the cost to buy a congressman?' --Jay Leno

'Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Bidenís question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. Heís brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'Iím sorry, could you repeat the question?'' --Jay Leno

'Have you been watching the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings? They're so dull, CBS has ordered 13 more episodes. This Alito guy is so tight that to loosen him up, finally, Ted Kennedy sent over a couple Bloody Marys.' --David Letterman

'During an odd moment at the [Alito] hearings yesterday, this is true, Sen. Arlen Specter announced that he goes to the same gym as Sen. Ted Kennedy. Not surprisingly, it's the gym that's closed 364 days a year.' --Conan O'Brien

'Have you been watching the Alito Supreme Court nomination hearings? The Democrats are upset, they're crazy, they're already accusing him of giving vague, contradictory answers. And Alito was on that, he shot back, 'Maybe, maybe not.'' --David Letterman

'Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery.' --Jay Leno

'The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because he called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'' --Conan O'Brien

'There was also the emotionally-charged saga of Mrs. Alito. I myself will never forget the sight of her crying as she listened to Sen. Lindsey Graham defend her husband from Democratic attacks on his character. It was a sign of how brutal and hard-hitting these hearings can be, especially for a woman who, due to a tragic laundry accident, was forced to show up wearing her grandmother's couch.' --'Daily Show' correspondent Ed Helms

'Democrats are worried Alito might be a threat to the Endangered Species List. They started worrying about the Endangered Species List when they found out they were on it.' --Jay Leno

'During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'' --Conan O'Brien

'Yesterday, President Bush said Alito was 'immenately qualified.' Yeah, then he said 'Unless imminently means not.'' --Conan O'Brien

'President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito, and he said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back.' --Jay Leno

'Samuel Alito is widely agreed to be conservative, intelligent and competent, and President Bush said he would be willing to overlook those facts this time.' --Bill Maher

'Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito says he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980's. Yeah, apparently Alito wrote the song 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'' --Conan O'Brien

'It was reported this week that when he was in college, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito supported gay rights. Apparently, his exact words were 'Let's get Jenn and Stacy drunk and see if they make out.'' --Conan O'Brien

'If Judge Alito is confirmed, this is an interesting fact, there would be two sitting Supreme Court justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case of Mullet vs. Backhair.' --Conan O'Brien

'Big battle brewing in the Senate over the Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito. Bush said the reason he chose Alito was because he did such a good job in the O.J. trial' --Jay Leno



A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!'

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works.'

'Okay, I've GOT to see this!'

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' said the Cajun

'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH!'

'What fish?'

Folks in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but they aren't as dumb as most.



A taxidermist was driving through Arkanas when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man 'what do you do?'

The man replied 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender replied 'Taxidermist? what is that.'

The man replied 'Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish.'

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said 'It's ok boys he's one of us'.



Young Troy lives across from a horse farm. The farmer was driving out unto the road with a load of horse 'fertilizer'.

Troy saw him and called, 'What've you got in your truck?'

'Horse Manure,' the farmer replied.

'It stinks! What are you going to do with it?' asked Troy.

'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer.

'You ought to live here,' Troy advised him. 'We put sugar and cream on ours.'

 

 

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