Random Jokes - 50
Fishing For a Sale A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, 'Have you ever been a salesman before?' Yes, I was a salesman in the country' said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.' The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, 'How many sales did you make today?' 'One,' said the young salesman. 'Only one?' blurted the boss, 'most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?' 'Three hundred thousand dollars,' said the young man. 'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss. 'Well,' said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.' The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?' 'No,' answered the salesman 'He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing
A regular walks into the bar and says, 'Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!'
The bartender says, 'Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hmm?'
'Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start tomorrow!'
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, 'Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!'
The bartender says, 'If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!'
With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, 'You mean they PAY me too?'
A certain dignitary, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: 'Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?'
'Certainly not,' was the reply. 'First, you are drunk. Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan National Anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio.'
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, 'May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!'
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. 'Amazing!' the preacher says. 'Look what God and you have accomplished together!'
'Yes, Reverend,' says the farmer, 'but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!'
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''