Random Jokes - 6
One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. 'Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature.'
The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. 'Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!'
'Why not?' the guest replied. 'That's what I got here yesterday!'
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. 'Well yeah, if that's what they are,' he said. 'I never heard of circle flies, though.'
'Oh, they're pretty common on farms,' said the farmer. 'We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse.'
'I see,' said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
'Oh no, officer,' replied the farmer. 'I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
'Well, that's a good thing,' said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. 'Hard to fool them flies, though.'
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.
He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, 'Are you the fish friar?'
'No,' the man replied, 'I'm the chip monk.'
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. 'I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato,' said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
'No,' said the farmer, 'I get a dime for a tomato like that one.'
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, 'Will you take two pennies for that one?'
'Yes,' replied the farmer, 'I'll give you that one for two cents.'
'OK,' said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, 'I'll pick it up in about a week.'
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say 'Yes' or 'No,' with an occasional 'Thank You' tossed in for good measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.
'Thank you,' he said.
'Is it new?' pressed Mrs. Bush.
'Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?' asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, 'No, I'm afraid that you bombed it.'