Random Jokes - 8
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, 'You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.'
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,'When do you have time to plough your land? At night?'
'No,' the young farmer replied seriously, 'Night is when I put the water in the hole.'
The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite spot.
The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike, and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught - although he had seen bigger ones., A half hour* later, he caught the biggest fish he had ever seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the world record.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching the priest from heaven. St. Peter turned to God, and said, 'How can you reward this priest? He lied. He let down his congregation.'
God smiles at St. Peter, and replies, 'I'm punishing him.'
St. Peter is confused, so God continues, 'Well, after he finishes, who can he tell his story to?'
A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.
'Daddy, there's some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him' The farmer said 'Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I'll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:
If it's the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he'll drink it all if you don't.
If it's the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma's butter and egg money in it, he'll talk her out of all of it.
And if it's the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma's lap until I get there!'
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw.' (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. 'Chief Two Eagles,' one official began, 'you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems.' The chief nodded. The official continued, 'What do you think of all the white man has done?' The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. 'When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.' The chief paused, then added, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'