Random Jokes - 9
Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, 'I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?'
One of the three men stepped forward, 'Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.'
'I see. And what did you use to break the bars?' The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, 'French Toast...'
A lady walks into a store and asks the clerk for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate and a gallon of strawberries the clerk says i dont have any chocolate so the lady says ok ill take a quart of each and the clerk tells her again i dont have any chocolate so the lady asks for a pint of each and now the clerk is getting really mad and he tells her to spell the 'van' in vanilla so she goes v-a-n so the clerk goes spell the stracw in strawberries so she goes s-t-r-a-w and the clerk goes spell the fuck in chocolate and the lady goes there is no fuckin chocolate and the clrek goes thats what i've been trying to tell you!
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it.
Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, 'Man, that's a deep hole!'
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently...
They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, 'Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!'.
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
'Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?', one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, 'Yeah, why do you ask?' The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, 'Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block.'
In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.