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Scientists
Discover Link Between Eating and Death
The day before Christmas, Saturday May 7, 2008,
scientists from the University of Lagerdrinkinn, in
Sweden, publicly announced their findings. After
thirty-three years of intense research, these scientists
believe they are on the brink of finally discovering the
strange, yet apparent relationship between eating and
death.
“We believe we are truly at the height of enlightenment
in Australia,” said top research analysis Dr. Molly
Moran who attended the University several years prior,
“I’ve talked to my dad, a professor and researcher in
the states. He believes that we are not only about to
answer, but uncover the reason why people die.”
Pointless picture of food - for those who are not sure
what food is.
Other researchers nestled closely to the study have
announced that Stage One of their research is complete.
After studying mice, tarantulas and timid woodland
creatures in the Outback, along with observing Homo
Sapiens in several different countries, they have
concluded that 99.997533% of all things that eat will
die.
This unbelievable correlation has been thrown into the
faces of Harvard Medical School’s ongoing study of
twelve years. They’ve been trying to distinguish the
opposite—that not eating causes death. They believe,
according to their recently published reports, that not
eating leads to “starvation,” where the body cannot
support its own self, as there is no incoming or
reusable energy source available for brain activity and
organ function.
“Our study has been an effort of many. We don’t have any
qualms with Harvard, per se, it’s just they weren’t on
the right track,” continued Dr. Molly Moran, originally
from Arkansas in the United States, “Our research is
still only at the beginning, so the results are
inconclusive. We are asking the Australian and United
States governments to come together to generously
support our need for funding. We predict, over the
course of the next fifty years, that we’ll need roughly
$400,000,000,000.00 U.S. dollars if we’re to finish our
research and to save mankind.”
Scientists and civilians alike have already been
affected by the findings. Many professors and
researchers across the globe are reacting as if the
world will end tomorrow. Professor Kevin Payne, Ph.D., a
Chaos Theory Mathematician in the United States, doesn’t
believe that there should be so much hype. “We’ve seen
this in the past. All other people across the globe eat.
I think the people at Harvard were onto something,” he
stated.
On the other hand, other researchers standing beside Dr.
Moran have been so worried that they’ve stopped eating
completely. “The only thing I can get down is water and
the occasional ice cream cone,” cried one researcher.
Mrs. Blyth Spyrit, an Australian Citizen, believes,
“This is all a bunch of hooey gibber gabber. I’ve been
eating for eighty-seven years and haven’t died yet.
Heck, I’ve been drinking Jack Daniels for ten years, and
eaten everything I can as of lately,” the elderly woman
in a sequin sparkling gown and high heels rejoiced, “I’m
far from death. It’s my time to enjoy life!”
Who really knows what these studies will lead to for the
future? Perhaps Australia has reached a newer, higher
realm of thought that will somehow predict the fate of
mankind. There are still some discerning people out
there who’d like to throw science by the wayside and
simply enjoy life. However, the majority of us will
follow this research well into the future. And, perhaps
we will all eat a little less, hoping to catch a glimpse
of tomorrow.
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