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The Author - Stuart McLean
- Autobiography
Stuart was born
in Clydebank, Scotland during the Elizabethan Period of the
Twentieth Century. Raised as an only child in a family of
eight he eked out a lonely, solitary childhood. As a
vehemently shy boy he struggled to make friends and even
Basher and Slasher, his imaginary friends, shunned him.
Stuart sought solace in humour and by the age of five was
writing some of the funniest jokes ever written by a
manically depressed five year old from Clydebank. Tragically
most of his early work was lost in a fire that destroyed the
small, derelict shed that had become Stuart’s bedroom. The
following Knock-Knock joke is all that remains:
Small Boy: "Knock, knock."
Silence.
Small Boy: "Knock, knock."
Silence.
Small Boy: "Knock, knock."
Silence.
Small Boy: "Knock, knock."
Silence.
Small Boy: "Knock, knock."
Man: "Your parents have moved home – now bugger off and
leave me in peace."
Leaving school at the age of sixteen Stuart plunged into the
sordid world of electronics and computing. Moving from job
to job he tried to find happiness and identity in the
underworld of transistors, integrated-circuits and
microprocessors. For a short time he even worked as an
emitter-follower in a handsome cab lamp-fitting factory. He
tried his hand as an inventor, coming up with innovative
designs such as the inflatable dartboard, the solar powered
pacemaker and the full scale map but for various reasons
they all flopped - even his brightest idea, the cardboard
tent, slumped miserably.
But his love of humour never died, and after many boring
years as a slave to the computer industry, he finally
returned to his only love – writing. Over the past eight
years Stuart has had twenty-two books published – some
translated into over twenty languages. Recently he left the
tedium of computing to dedicate his life to writing He has,
however, taken a job as a part-time Baxi-Burner Pilot Light
so that he can still afford the occasional scrap of food.
Stuart is about fifty-five, though his true age will never
be known as, bizarrely, his birth-certificate was used by
the arsonist who set fire the small, derelict shed that was
once Stuart’s childhood bedroom.
Other Books by Stuart McLean include:
* Lazy Sod's Guide to Sex
* Lazy Sod's Guide to Pulling
* Ned Speak
* A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two Up Your Kilt
* Weird Websites
* Chat Room Wind-ups
* Why did the Haggis Cross the Road
* To a Pretty Average Father |
